i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
