if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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