Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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