hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
