he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
