Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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