I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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