We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
