if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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