she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
