12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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