so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
