Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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