I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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