i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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