my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
