tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
