dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
