I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
