Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
