my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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