life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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