I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
