There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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