wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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