just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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