I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
