I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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