i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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