They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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