Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
