Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
