and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
