moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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