Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
