i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
