the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
