Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
