I wish I could teleport
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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