ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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