my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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