I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
