Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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