the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
