u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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