Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
