It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
