we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just invented taco cereal.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
