Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Randomize
