if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
