I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
