Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i came on her dog
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Randomize
