Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
