Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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