i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
